The Ego Tango: Dancing with Your Self in the Integration Waltz

 "I’ll take as many ego deaths as I can get!" — My famous last words before I truly understood what I was asking for.

Ego death: it's a term thrown around in psychedelic circles like confetti at a parade. For some, it's the holy grail of tripping, a transcendent experience promising enlightenment and cosmic understanding. For others, it's a terrifying concept, the idea of losing oneself completely.

But what exactly is this enigmatic "ego death"? Is it the key to unlocking higher consciousness, or a risky dive into the unknown? Should we be actively seeking these experiences, or are we better off keeping our egos intact?

Today, we're diving headfirst into the swirling waters of ego dissolution. We'll explore what it means to experience an ego death, whether it's a good thing, a bad thing, or something far more complex. And most importantly, we'll tackle the big question: do we want to embrace ego deaths, or should we be focusing on integrating our egos into our spiritual journey?

I. The Cosmic Ego Vacation 

 The first time I experienced ego transformation, it was like getting a bird's eye view of my own life. There I was, hovering above my social media presence, watching the way I curated my image, crafting the person I wanted others to see. I saw myself posting raw, vulnerable content, convinced I was helping the masses. But then, like an exposing spotlight, my attention was drawn to the people right next to me in real life - the ones I was neglecting while I was busy being "helpful" online.

An internal voice, clear as a bell, echoed through me: "Do you really want to help people? Start with the person sitting right next to you. Put your phone down. The light you can give to someone with your presence right now matters more than broadcasting your latest insights."

This truth hit me like a tidal wave. I realized the futility of self-promotion without presence. My job, my true calling, was presence - and I wasn't going to get there with the virtual life I had playing in the background. It took this ego shake-up to give me the courage to delete my social media accounts.

As I sat there, I understood a profound truth about the ego: "I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I am who I think you think I am(Think Like a Monk)." We can become trapped by our own illusions and delusions, constantly projecting who we think other people think we are.

II. Meet Your Ego 

The Overprotective Friend So, what exactly is this thing we call the ego? Think of it as that friend who's always trying to protect you, but sometimes goes a bit overboard. You know the type - they'll remind you of that one time in third grade when you tripped during the school play, just to "save" you from auditioning for the community theater.

Our ego developed as a survival mechanism, helping us navigate the complex social world of human beings. It's the part of us that says, "I am," that defines our boundaries and helps us function in daily life. But like that overprotective friend, it can sometimes hold us back from growth and new experiences.

III. The Great Ego Debate: To Die or Not to Die? 

Now, here's where things get interesting. In many spiritual circles, there's talk about "ego death" - the complete dissolution of the self. It sounds pretty dramatic, right? Like the ultimate cosmic makeover.

The case for ego death is compelling. Imagine total freedom from self-doubt, complete connection with everything around you, and spiritual growth that's off the charts. It's like hitting the enlightenment jackpot!

But hold on a second. What about the practical stuff? Like, you know, remembering your name when you're ordering coffee, or knowing which clothes are yours in the laundromat? That's where the case for preserving the ego comes in. It keeps us grounded, maintains our sense of identity, and helps us function in the everyday world.

So, what's the answer? As with most things in life, it's about finding that sweet middle ground.

IV. Finding the Sweet Spot: Right-Sizing Your Ego 

Instead of thinking about killing your ego, what if we thought about right-sizing it? It's like adjusting the volume on your internal radio - not so loud that it drowns everything else out, but not so quiet that you can't hear it when you need to.

Try this: Close your eyes. Visualize your ego. What does it look like? Is it a loud, colorful character, or a quiet, shadowy figure? Now, instead of trying to banish it, thank it for its service. Can you invite it to take a step back without disappearing entirely?

The goal isn't to destroy the ego, but to transform our relationship with it. To make it a tool we use, rather than the master we serve.

V. The Integration Tango: Learning to Dance with Your Ego 

So, how do we actually do this ego-tango in our day-to-day lives? Here are a few steps to practice:

1. Mindful Observation: Notice when your ego is reacting. Is it puffing up in pride? Shrinking in shame? Just observe, without judgment.
2. Gentle Questioning: When you catch your ego in action, ask yourself, "Is this reaction serving me right now? Is there another way to look at this situation?"
3. Practicing Flexibility: Try on different perspectives. If your ego says, "I'm always right," experiment with, "What if I'm not right this time?"

Remember, it's a dance. Sometimes you'll step on your own toes, and that's okay. The important thing is to keep moving.

VI. When the Ego Fights Back: Dealing with Resistance 

Now, let's be real. Your ego isn't going to go down without a fight. It's been running the show for a long time, and it's not about to give up its director's chair easily.

You might find yourself feeling scared. After all, who are you if not your carefully constructed self-image? You might experience an identity crisis, feeling lost without your usual ego-driven motivations.

And watch out for the sneaky "spiritual ego" - that voice that says, "Look how enlightened I am now that I've transcended my ego!" (Spoiler alert: That's still the ego talking.) Or maybe you find yourself getting extra judgemental with the people around you who aren’t doing “the work.” A common trap I see, following a psychedelic experience is “high vibes only.” If its creating exclusivity or separation, that is also your ego!

The key is gentle persistence and lots of self-compassion. Remember, you're not trying to win a battle. You're learning a new dance.

VII. The Bigger Picture: Ego as Part of the Whole

‍Here's a mind-bender for you: What if the ego isn't the enemy, but a necessary part of the cosmic dance? During a meditation with a tree while on San Pedro, I received a profound message: "God uses the ego to get the job done."

This shifted my entire perspective. What if our egos are divine tools, uniquely shaped to help us fulfill our purpose in this world? Perhaps the goal isn't to transcend the ego entirely, but to align it with our higher selves, to let it be the instrument through which our unique light shines into the world.

From this viewpoint, the ego becomes not something to be conquered, but something to be integrated - a vital part of our human experience and our spiritual journey.

Conclusion

 As you continue your integration journey, remember: it's not about slaying your ego or letting it run wild. It's about finding that sweet spot where your ego becomes a dance partner rather than a wrestler. Sometimes you'll lead, sometimes you'll follow, but always, you'll be moving towards greater understanding and harmony.

So, dear psychonauts, are you ready to tango? Your ego is waiting on the dance floor of life, and the music of integration is playing. It's time to learn some new steps. And who knows? You might just find that this dance with your ego leads you to a more authentic, present, and connected way of being in the world.